When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
