i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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