My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
