There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize