I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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