When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
We're too hungover to prance.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
