You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼‍♀️
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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