i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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