I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
