I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
