Umm I'm too high to move.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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