and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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