I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
