Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Pants are for mortals
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
did i just pee glitter
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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