I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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