She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
