Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
