only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
