I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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