Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
how drunk are you?
Several
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
