am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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