Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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