I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i came on her dog
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
