so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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