i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
