My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
