Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
He better not be in your backpack
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
