Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
