She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
