My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
