To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
