I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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