My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
