her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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