I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize