got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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