Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
