I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
