So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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