All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
