I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize