right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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