Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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