I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
