If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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