last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
