Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
