I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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