my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
