im six kinds of drunk right now
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
