I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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