You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Help. Why am I so naked?
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