I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
