So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
