there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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