you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
