i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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