guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
