Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize