I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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