rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
