im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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