I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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