Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
