So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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